Asgardian Rogaine
by Unknownnobody32
Summary: The tower gets a brief visitor from a familiar Asgardian face who introduces a magic potion which Tony deems "Asgardian Rogaine." Curious about how it works, he is given an idea on who'd be the perfect test subject for it. [Hint: He wears an eye patch.] Cue barely contained hilarity at the next Avenger's meeting.
1. Asgardian Rogaine

Tony had been at one of his workstations in the middle of tinkering, when Jarvis interrupted him.

"Sir, there appears to be some sort of energy disturbance on the roof, similar to when Thor travels to and from Asgard."

"Oh really? He didn't say anything about leaving. " Tony removes his work gloves and turns off the glaring lamp overhead. "Bring up the security footage from the area so I can check it out."

"Certainly, sir." Jarvis answers obediently.

Tony moves to another workstation where an almost transparent screen rises out of its surface. The blank screen flickers and is replaced by live footage showing the wide expanse of the tower's rooftop. Tony squints at the monitor when he sees a familiar figure approaching from a beam of light. Eventually he smiles in recognition.

"Speaking of the burly blonde giant, where is Thor anyway?"

"He is currently in the Rec Room with Captain Rogers and Agent Barton."

"Great." Tony says, turning to exit the room, "Then that's where I'll be escorting our guest."

* * *

About ten minutes later, Tony enters the Rec Room and announces, "Hey Thunderstruck, you've got a visitor!"

Now used to Stark's many nicknames for him, Thor looks up from the sketch pad Steve had been showing him.

Upon seeing no one but Tony himself, he frowns; yet suddenly out from behind Tony walks Sif.

"Sif!" Thor exclaims, rising to his feet and at her side in seconds. "What a pleasant surprise!"

"Thor! It is good to see you!" The warrioress smiles easily as Thor embraces her in a warm hug.

"As it is for me! You look well." He compliments, holding her at arm's length.

"Thor, you flatter me. Truly I must look weary, for all day I have been… oh hello Steven, Clinton!" Sif glances behind Thor to acknowledge his comrades.

By this time, Clint had given up shooting rubber bands at the TV to peer around in his seat at the doorway; and Steve had set down his sketch pad and stood facing the pair.

Clint offers her something in between a salute and a wave from the couch. "Hey Sif, it's been a while."

"It's always nice to see you again, Sif." Steve joins in kindly. He waits until she gracefully nods at him before returning to his seat.

"Have you come alone or are the Warriors Three here as well?" Thor asked, regaining her attention. A trace of worry flashes across his face and he adds, "All is well in Asgard, I hope."

"Rest assured things at home are as fine as ever! And I am alone, but sadly I cannot stay long. I only came to bear you a gift." Sif tells him, scanning the room for the nearest flat surface and spotting the bar counter Tony was leaning against.

She motions Thor to follow her as she walks toward the bar and lays her leather satchel upon it.

Thor looks a bit surprised as he eyes her pouring out its contents and rummaging with purpose. "A gift, but for what is the occasion?"

"On your last journey to Asgard, no one could hardly believe the fate of your glorious mane. And you were in such low spirits, we all hoped it would grow back quickly for your sake." She begins.

With that said, Thor self-consciously runs a hand through his just-shy-of-medium –length-hair.

Noticing this, Sif tries to soothe him. "Fear not, Thor. Your locks are growing out handsomely, but I would imagine you may fancy a bit of haste in this area. Ah! I have found it at last!" She exclaims suddenly to herself when she locates a corked glass vial.

The periwinkle fluid catches the Thunderers' eye instantly and he grins.

"Tis not what I think!?" Thor bellows, excited now that he's beginning to comprehend his friend's intentions.

"Indeed it is Thor! The _hár vǫxtr_ potion: my gift to you." She hands the vial to Thor who looks as pleased as ever.

Tony, being a nearby spectator, tries parroting the Old Norse terminology, "_Hár vǫxtr_?"

"It means _hair growth_. Though the words have lost their rudimentary meaning now and are generally used to refer to the potion alone. " Sif clarifies, glancing across the bar in his direction.

"But this is a rare find; however did it cross your path?" Questions Thor, as he turns the vial with his fingers.

"Twas not easy to come by at all. I searched high and low, but finally the friend of a friend whose sister is married to a shopkeeper knew of an alchemist who brewed _Hár Vǫxtr_ . See that you put it to good use." Sif laughs melodically as she clasps a hand on Thor's shoulder.

"But of course, my dear friend. I am so very grateful!" He answers, leaning closer to deliver a peck on her cheek.

"So it's like Asgardian Rogaine?" Tony finally comments, having eased his way over to Thor and Sif to sneak a peek at the bottle in the gods' hand.

"Rogaine?" Sif repeats slowly.

"Yea, it's an earth medicine to help balding guys regrow their hair."

"Oh, well more or less. " Sif replies, "I suppose _Hár Vǫxtr_ could be used for such purposes. But in Thor's case, he is far from balding."

And as if to punctuate her statement, she affectionately ruffles what hair Thor does have while he grins down at her.

"I do wish he would tell me how he lost his tresses in the first place. He was very vague about it back in Asgard and so ill-tempered we thought it best not to press him on it."

The laughter in Thor's eyes dissipates and he sends a dark look at Clint who now was too engrossed in watching a movie with Steve to notice or care.

"I do not wish to talk about it. Just know it was not of my voluntary will." Thor rumbles.

Tony smirks at the memory and goes to sling an arm around Thor. "_Someone_ is still touchy about the incident." Tony says in a stage whisper. "But don't worry, me and your Asgardian prince here had it handled."

Sif looks between the irritated god and the smirking billionaire with raised brow and makes a note to herself to get Anthony alone so he could enlighten her with the tale.

* * *

The next day, Tony runs into Thor and was very much surprised to see that Thor's hair had returned to its natural flowing state, falling just below his shoulders.

"Whoa, check you out, Samson! You've got your crowning glory back."

"Indeed Anthony, I am most pleased ." Thor replies, beaming brilliantly, " I do not know how I can ever repay Lady Sif for the great favor she has done me."

Tony walks around Thor, inspecting his freshly grown locks, "How much time did it take before it gained its length and could you feel it growing?" Then making a face, he tacks on,"Man, that sounded dirty…"

Thor gives him an odd look, but answers anyway, " I am not sure. I applied the potion before retiring to bed. I felt nothing more for I was asleep."

"Applied? I thought you drank it?"

Thor laughs like this should be common knowledge for Stark, "Of course not. Doing so could cause one to choke. No, you must pour the potion upon your head in order for it to grow your locks."

Tony is now tugging on several golden strands, but Thor doesn't seem to mind .

"Hmm, do you think I can have a look at what's left of your Rapunzel Ointment?"

Tony's grasp on Thor's hair slips when the blonde turns to face him.

"You may if you wish-but I will warn you- use only a small amount and one single dose as well. If you use it in excess you could wake up with hair as long as mine."

Thor then proceeds to grimace as he imagines Tony having a goateed version of Loki's dark locks.

"Wait… what?! Do I look like I'm balding here, Thoreal? Anyway no, I'm not planning to use it on myself. I just wanna examine the potion in the lab to see what it's made of."

"Ah, for your studies in science. Very well then. I shall retrieve _Hár Vǫxtr_ from my chambers."

* * *

**A/N: If anyone is curious about "the incident" Tony is referring to involving Thor's hair being short, I suggest you read the first two chapters of my other story **_"Late Night Truth or Dare._**" I actually based this fic on those specific events.  
**


	2. Bald Test Subjects

"How's it coming with that 'Hard Vox-tree' crap?" Clint asks into the silence from behind Tony.

Tony had been bent over a table in the lab, but he abandons his research with a start, whipping around to face the archer.

"God, don't sneak up on me like that! And I'm pretty sure it's pronounced _Hár Vǫxtr_, ChickenHawk." Tony speaks it naturally like he's known Norse all his life, but his lone audience member remains unimpressed.

"Whatever," Clint shrugs, "So how's it coming?" He repeats.

Tony sighs, "It aint coming, that's how's it coming. Jarvis can't recognize any of the chemicals in this potion. I even had Bruce helping me earlier and he had no clue either. We don't know if it's because Asgard's advanced and Earth hasn't discovered such elements yet or just because it's made up of magical components completely. "

"That sucks for you."

"No kidding. If I can't figure out how this stuff works, I'll never be on the brink of discovering the world's greatest secret formula to hair growth."

"Secret hair growth formulas? You'd really put your effort and resources into that?"

"Sure why not? Besides the outstanding recognition me and my buddy Bruce could receive on this, we'd be doing a service for the world."

"Right, because hair growth is _so_ important."

"Damn straight. Think of all the disgruntled bald guys we'd stop from committing crimes."

Clint has to shake his head and laugh at that.

"Technically though," Barton adds, "Wouldn't that be stealing ideas from Thor's realm?"

"Nah, they don't have patent laws in Asgard. And if they did I bet Odin could sue me for stealing his concept art. Just compare my older Iron Man designs with those pictures of the Destroyer." Tony says half-jokingly, turning back to his work with a grin.

Clint just rolls his eyes. "Ask a stupid question..."

He moves around the table to view Tony at work with various beakers and holographic diagrams, then after a minute or so of quietly watching, he speaks again. "Too bad you don't have a bald test subject to try that stuff out on."

"Yea, I don't think it's even been used on humans before so I'm curious to see…" Tony pauses and looks up at Clint.

"What?"

"Did you say 'bald test subject?'"

* * *

"I can't believe you got me to agree to this." Clint spoke into his com as he crawled through an air shaft at Shield Head Quarters.

"Hey, you said you were just as curious as I was." Tony said via the earpiece.

"Okay, I'm into position. Bald Eagle is in his nest, I repeat, Bald Eagle is in his nest." Clint whispers back over the line.

"Gotcha. Diversion is in process. Please stand by and report to Jarvis in my absence."

There's a click over the com which alerts Clint that he's alone. He looks down through the slots in the vent to see Director Fury directly below him looking over paper work at his desk.

"I sure hope I don't regret this." Clint sighs to himself as he reaches into a compartment within his vest and pulls out the vial of _Hár Vǫxtr._

Meanwhile, the phone on Fury's desk rings and he picks up.

"Hello? _Anything in particular? _Okay, patch him through."

Fury closes the binder before him and taps a finger on his desk.

"Yes Stark what do you want? _ What? _ I don't really have the time for this._Fine, I could go search...Excuse me?_ What do you mean don't move? I thought you wanted to hear the statistics from…"

Fury's forehead wrinkles in exasperation and Clint uses this as his window to trickle a few drops of the hair growth potion on his bare head.

"Stark, is everything okay over there? You're acting more bizarre than usual? _You don't have to tell me about the project now, we're going over this during the meeting tomorrow."

Clint dribbles a bit more onto Fury's scalp and the Director responds by wiping a hand across his head, most likely thinking it's sweat.

"I am sure you have excelled leaps and bounds with the tech, Stark, and I'd be more than happy to hear said improvements at the conference."

An air conditioner unit comes on nearby and shakes the air vent, causing Clint to jiggle the vial and waste more tonic than intended on Fury's head.

"Crap!" Clint mutters under his breath.

"Damn it, hold on Stark." Fury peers up at the ceiling and the archer quickly moves out of his sight-line.

"What the hell ?" Fury swears, running a hand through the damp spot on his head.

"I'm sorry sir?" Agent Hill said at the entrance.

"I think we have a leak in here. " Is all Fury utters.

"Oh?" Hill tries to sound vaguely interested while she places a stack of folders on his desk. "By the way, here are the files you asked for, Director."

"Thank you, and Agent Hill, can you have one of the people from maintenance make it this way later?"

"Not a problem." Maria says, nodding before she exits.

Still up in the vent, Clint murmurs into his earpiece. "Jarvis, give Tony the signal. I'm pretty sure I've dropped a thorough application on Fury's scalp."

Below in his office, Fury was saying into the phone, "Anyways, it's not necessary for you to send the schematics today when you are presenting them tomorrow._ Are you even listening to me, Stark? _Because you're talking a mile a minute and refuse to….hello? HELLO!? Stark?!"

As Clint shimmies across the tight space back the way he came , Fury scowls at his phone and hangs up with a grunt.

"And he wonders why Steve's the leader." The Director says into the air.

* * *

The next day, all the Avengers were at Shield HQ sitting at the roundtable awaiting Fury's entrance for the morning meeting. Tony and Bruce were playing some sort of word game on scratch paper, Clint was fiddling with a pen as he watched Nat do a final scan of his report, and Steve was in the midst of an explanation regarding diplomacy .

"It's more of a social statement, Thor. I'm pretty sure Fury and the Council know your people want peace with Earth."

"It's insurance." Tony supplies, not looking up from whatever puzzle he was doing.

Steve fails to comment on Stark's definition,but instead promises Thor, "I'm sure the Director will be able to explain it better than I."

On cue, Fury walks in the door.

"And there he is now, good mor…" The Captain is about to stand in greeting Fury, but instead trails off with a chocked sound, his eyes widening.

Hearing the abrupt break in Steve's speech, all heads look up and around to see what caused it.

Soon everyone had matching faces of shock, all accompanied by the collective gasping splutter that went out around the table.

"By the Norns!" Thor exclaims.

A hush falls over the room as the once bald Director Fury walks in sporting a gigantic afro on top of his head. Everybody does their best to hide their amusement as he takes his seat at the head of the table with his usual seriousness.

Thor immediately locks eyes with Tony. "Anthony, tell me you did not."

"Shhh, show some respect, Blondie. The great and powerful director has arrived." Tony quips sardonically, winking at the Thunderer.

Thor says nothing, though he does cast a stern glower in the billionaire's direction.

"Yes, thank you, Stark." Fury says dryly, "And we'll discuss your prototype shortly. But before I forget, I wanted to congratulate you, Captain Rogers, for a job well done on the training program. We're seeing excellent results in our recruits."

"Uhhh thank you Directory Furry, err _Fury_." Stutters Steve, causing Tony to face palm. Turing red in the face, Steve anxiously bites his knuckles, seemingly mortified about his slip of tongue.

If Fury even heard it, he didn't let it show.

"Now - Agent Barton and Romanoff- what's the status on your last recon mission? Any new intel on Steinz?"

Natasha clenches her jaw to prevent from reacting to her team's equally horrified expressions. "Nothing we didn't already know, sir, though we did find out some possible accomplice names. It's all in Clint's report."

Clint silently slides the file across the table toward the Director and tries not to gawk at him too much. He also averts his eyes from Natasha. Only he can read the way her eyes are dancing with merriment behind her stoic facade; and if he keeps looking her way, he knows he'll lose it laughing.

"Well that's a start." Fury continues, accepting the paperwork. "Learning his end game is still our top priority; however, and if he plans to do what he threatens, there's a lot at risk."

"Of course there'd be. When aren't we ever in a _hairy_ situation?" Tony says, sending a smirk Clint's way.

The archer makes a noise sounding like the cross of a sneeze and a cough, and he refuses to glance at all three of them again.

Fury clears his throat, "Speaking of Steinz, Dr. Banner, did you finish examining GenX32? Anything ground breaking?"

Bruce removes the hand hiding his smile and risks a glance at the Director. "Well, I did plenty of study and even had Tony help me, but things were moving slowly. Eventually though I've determined it's a similar formula corresponding to the strain Steinz used in Chicago. I think I could find out more with additional research."

Tony decides to add his two cents as well, "Exactly. Bruce had some rough patches here and there, but there is room to grow … apparently lots of it. Right Doc?" He makes a not so subtle glimpse at Fury's doo, then turning his head toward Bruce, he mouths the word "_Yikes_."

Bruce bites his lip to keep from snickering. "Uh, there's certainly something of that ...um... nature. But I did have some more detailed theories right here that you could perhaps have another field specialist look over, Director." Bruce nudges Fury a stack of papers stapled together.

"Thank you, Dr. Banner." Fury says just as Agent Hill enters the room and stands behind him.

She hands him something from over his shoulder. "The itinerary, sir."

"Thank you , Hill." From behind his back, Maria peers into the tightly curled mass atop her boss' head. Natasha catches the way her lip twitches in an obvious battle of self-control. The superior agent is out before she can give herself away though.

"So Thor, what did your father say in response to forming an official treaty with Earth?" Fury looks up at the god only to find him staring warily at his head like it could come to life any second and devour them all.

Fury sighs and takes a final survey of the group of six. "Before we discuss anything further, I think it's appropriate I address our current distraction and talk about the elephant in the room."

"Elephant? More like a matted poodle." Mumbles Tony, loud enough for most of his teammates to hear . Steve promptly kicks him from under the table.

"To all who is wondering, this is _not_ a dammed wig. I woke up this morning with a head full of unruly hair. The SHIELD doctors can't even explain it."

"It's a hair-acle!" Tony exclaims in mock awe.

The whole table groans in response. Fury simply rolls an eye.

"This occurrence appeared overnight, you said?" Thor inquires, voice laced with suspicion.

"Yes, I went to bed looking normal and…"Fury stops mid-sentence to fully focus on Thor's appearance, "Wait a minute, when did you grow _your _hair back out?"

Thor cuts eyes at Tony and replies, "I am certain Anthony would be glad to relay the account in detail."

Now all eyes are on the genius squirming nervously in his seat. Finally, Clint leans over and asks him in a whisper, "Still enjoying doing the world a service?"

"You're just as guilty as I am." Is Tony's only response, followed by the baritone of Thor's resonating laughter.


End file.
